Alcohol- I fell off the wagon and it felt bloody great.
Well, I didn’t exactly fall off the wagon. I purposely stepped off the wagon with calculated intent to demonstrate my self-control. You see, to be in complete control of your actions and narrate your future outcome is one hell of an empowering position to be in.
Whilst trekking across India I had a life-changing incident where I almost died. I suffered from Rhabdomyolysis and a severe lung infection and came within an inch of my life. At my worst, I made my peace and very nearly checked out.
In and out of consciousness I experienced what can only be described as an out of body experience. I see my life flash before me and had flashbacks of all the mistakes I had made in life. Experiences I was ashamed and embarrassed about
Alcohol played a part in almost all of those events.
Thankfully by some miracle I came round the following day in my soiled and piss strewn sheets. I was still alive - bonus!
Right there, at that exact moment in time, I made a vow to myself. To be free. Truly free and live a life of total freedom. And I knew to do that, I needed to address certain habits and social crutches. The first being alcohol.
In the three years leading up to my Indian adventure, I didn’t have a drink problem, at least I didn’t think I did. I was just like many of you reading this - a social drinker. Wine with meals, maybe a glass or two to relax of an evening. A few beers with the lads, or on the weekend when I was out socialising.
But deep down I knew that I used alcohol as a crouch as many of us do.
Can you relate?
Anyhow, I made a vow to myself to abstain for one year. If I controlled alcohol then I should have no problem. If alcohol controlled me then there was an issue. It was as simple and clear cut as that.
That was on the 16th of June 2019. One year later I achieved my goal. I was proud of myself but didn’t have the desire to drink any time soon. We were in lockdown and I couldn’t think of anything worse than celebrating my monumental achievement with drinking at home. How fucking sad would that be!
So it wasn’t until the pubs reopened that I thought I’d wait for a sunny day to have a few pints in a nice beer garden.
I would drink on my terms
When I posted on social media about my goal and decision to break my abstinence I received a load of messages from people asking why I’d chosen to drink again after going a whole year without as much as a shandy.
Because I could, was the simple answer.
The goal was never to become teetotal for the rest of my life. How fucking boring would that be? You see, I hate being told I can’t do something. Or deciding myself I can’t do something. Because I’m my mind that shows a lack of self-control.
I know plenty of guys who battle with alcohol abuse who go a few weeks, months even without a drink, who then get triggered to have “just a couple” and boom, they’re right back in the same place they tried to escape from.
Just a few on the weekend
When I’m on a date
Birthdays, celebrations etc
Yeah yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that! Within no time at all, it will only be on days that end with a Y!
And before long they are boozing as they had been. Letting an external source control them - it's a weak mindset and poor show of character.
I’m not trying to be a self-righteous prick, and I’m certainly not knocking anyone who keeps making these mistakes, far from it. I’ve been that very person. But I’ve done enough deep internal work to know that alcohol turns you into a big fat (sometimes quite literally) liar.
But with 41 years of life experience behind me, I now know that alcohol was never actually the problem.
I was the problem.
Much like McDonald's doesn’t make people fat. Fat people make themselves fat. Try getting fat by eating a hamburger, fries and a full-fat coke each day. Impossible to do my friend!
Overeaters and boozers share the same mindset. They just choose a different form of destruction.
Simply put - this form of self-sabotage is a form of escapism. Not being comfortable in your own skin and not wanting to spend time with yourself.
But that’s no longer the case for me. I control the narrative and outcome of my life. To tell myself I could never drink again indicated a huge weakness on my part. Instead, I did “the work” and built a lifestyle on my terms. Terms that aligned with my vision, values and goals. And I wasn't going to let alcohol get in the way of my aspirations.
I was 4 weeks into a new fitness/lifestyle programme I was working on called Elite40. Which requires complete abstinence. But I wanted to try an experiment. I wanted to demonstrate first hand that I had the tools and strategies in place that allowed me to effectively manage my alcohol consumption. A set of tools that allowed me to pick and choose when I drank and not succumb to temptations when it wasn’t going to serve me.
So the day before I altered my caloric intake to allow for the extra calories. And I ensured I ate the right foods leading up to my mini pub crawl that would lessen the effects of alcohol. Six pints later I headed home, stopping off to buy a few cans to enjoy with dinner as many drinkers do, right? Once you have the buzz you don't want it to stop.
Wrong…
I purposely brought them to prove a point. When I got home I cracked them open only to pour them down the sink whilst smiling to myself. I control my actions and I control when I drink. I had enjoyed a few beers but didn’t need to keep the buzz going. I was going to spend an evening with my girlfriend and enjoy a nice meal. Why would I want to escape my current reality when life was good?
The rest is history!
Back on the wagon and moving closer to my goals.
